I'm feeling really shitty right now. Nothing is going as planned. Everything is falling down around me. My health and my moods are unstable, and I can't to anything to change that. I am helpless - or very nearly so. I draw on my last reserves, but they will not be enough. Just fumes. I know I was discussing earlier that suicide is irrational - and I am certainly in an irrational state. I have no buoys to keep me true. God, I hate this feeling! This feeling of helplessness and of capitulation and of not finishing what I've started out to do. I am a quitter. I am a loser. The thoughts are screaming in my head, and there are so many options to choose from. Will it be the already afore-referenced fumes? The old pill-tosser? Draino? Jumping off the bridge into traffic? Consumption? The menu is bountiful. God help me.
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mikaelchan- mikaelchan
- (The) Misadventures of Mikael
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Keep on truckin', Kael. I wish there was something I could do to help you. Just remember that it is possible to get to a better place, and you've just got to keep on working towards it, in whatever little ways you can. And even when life really, really, really really sucks, just remember that you can look up at the sky or at the trees, and just that alone makes life worth living, at least for now.
Lots of love, you're in my prayers, to whatever god I pray to.
Mikael:
I agree with Willow that you're not a quitter, neither are you a loser. You're unwell, and that makes it difficult for anybody to have the energy, stick-to-it-ness to accomplish what one has set out to do.
Willow is right again. You need to be gentle and patient with yourself. Love yourself as all your friends and family members love you. Cut yourself some slack.
Mom is going to call the university and see what you can do. Relax. Rest and get well.
Kael, you are made in God's image to fulfill His purpose in life. Please don't throw away the baby with the bath water. In your pain, despair, and anguish, call on God who made and love you, and Who died for you so you may live. Jesus is hurting as much as you. He is ready and willing to help. Just ask Him. Don't let irrational thoughts be used by the enemy to hurt you.
I'll be praying for you, Mikael, my son. Please call me on my cell when you need me.
Father God, in the name of Your Son, Jesus, please be very close to Mikael today. Comfort him with your love, mercy, grace, and presence. Give him the peace that is beyond all human understanding. Surround him with guardian angels so that he is safe when under cruel attacks.
Amen.
Love you, Kael.
P.S. Ending it all is not the way out, but, fighting your way out is. Please, ask God for help. When we fight, we are strong in our weakness when we throw all our weights on God Who is almightily strong. In our weakness, He is strong. Ask Him to be your helper and protector.